Motherisms

On this Mother’s Day, I have been fondly remembering some of the endearing quirks of Shirley Ann Knight Ervin Gunyou, who almost made it to 100 years of age.

With her Appalachian Coal Country heritage, Mother’s family employed a curious thesaurus of colloquialisms unbeknown to us raised in the flatlands of Ohio. And even as a college-educated medical technician from Ohio University, she regularly shared with us, albeit involuntarily on our part, a collection of “old wives tales,” some of which might have had a trace of scientific accuracy.

My favorite was why you feel a chill after eating. Mother maintained that’s because the blood is rushing away from your extremities to digest the food in your stomach. She also believed that an aspirin or swig of Pepto-Bismol would immediately remedy any ailment. I had to be bleeding from my eyes to ever miss a day of school.

In no particular order, here’s a curated selection of our family’s lexicon, assembled with the help of my Dear Cousin, who grew up in the Hocking Hills of Southeastern Ohio:

“Her people.” Kinfolk of my grandmother, as in “Her people come from West Virginia.”

“She wouldn’t say ‘shit’ if she had a mouthful.” One taught to be a proper lady, like my tomboy-at-heart Mother was, by my school teacher grandmother. Actually, a softly muttered “shit” was always Mother’s invective of choice.

“Necka the woods.” Hereabouts, as in “We don’t rightly say things like that in our necka the woods.”

“Holler.” The inverse of a hill, as in “He lives across that holler.”

“Crick.” A creek down in the holler, as in “I woke up with a crick in my neck, but still had to go to work down by the crick.”

“Catty-corner.” Diagonally, as in “The Five & Dime is catty-corner from the gas station.” Used interchangeably with “kitty corner.”

“Whopper-jawed.” Used to describe anything that didn’t fit properly, such as “That bent oven rack looks a little whopper-jawed.”

“Catty-wumpus.” Even more whopper-jawed, as in “You need to straighten up that tent you put up. It’s all catty-wumpus.” Felines played a central role in Mother’s life.

“Sigogglin.” [pronounced Sy GOG lin] Crooked, as in “That dern Xmas tree was put up all sigogglin.”

“On the slaunch.” Variation of crooked, as in “He built that shed on the slaunch. Look how it leans.” Quite a few expressions seemed to describe things that were not quite right.

“Dicky.” Not right medically, as in “Our family has a history of heart problems. We’re plagued by dicky tickers.”

“Peak’ed.” [peaked in two syllables] Pale, as in “He looks a little peak’ed.”

“Dissipated.” Fell off the straight and narrow, as in “He really dissipated last night.”

“Layin’ a corpse.” Dead, as in “Joe’s layin’ a corpse at the funeral parlor.” Probably after a lifetime of dissipation.

“Cack-handed.” Clumsy. My grandfather’s version of ham-handed.

“Pert-near.” Almost, as in “He pert-near got hit crossing that street.”

“Liketa.” Variation of pert-near, as in “He liketa got killed crossing that street.”

“Gaumed up.” [pronounced Gawmed] Messy, as in “My shirt got all gaumed up changing the tire.”

“Red up.” Clean up, as in, “Better red up the house before the preacher gets here.”

“Upset the apple cart.” Throw a wrench into the situation.

“Ass over teakettle.” Description of a significant pratfall, as in “He slipped on the ice and fell ass over teakettle.”

“Skiff.” A dusting of snow, as in “We only got a skiff a snow on the hills.”

“Dip.” Derogatory accusation, as in “John you dip, you don’t put salt on ham loaf!”

“Born in a barn.” Criticism related to leaving the door open, as in “You weren’t born in a barn, you dip!”

“Ungrateful whelp.” An insufficiently appreciative child, as in “Be grateful for what you got, and stop complaining about what you didn’t get for Christmas, you ungrateful whelp.”

“Ninny.” Shorter and more gentile pejorative than nincompoop. Many expressions seemed designed to chastise young men.

“Shenanigans.” High jinks, as in what teenage ninnies are often up to.

“Fit to be tied.” Really angry.

“Mince words.” Show restraint in a conversation, as in “John was never one to mince words when he was fit to be tied.”

“Grass widower.” Divorced ex-spouse. I have no idea about the derivation of this expression.

“They ought to cut off his thing, starch it, and use it for a gate pin!” Description of any man who got his wife pregnant way too many times. Our beloved Auntie was particularly critical of men who failed to live up to her expectations.

“Limber-dick bench.” My grandfather’s description of the bench in the town square, where men of an advanced age would sit and talk of bygone days.

“He’s a liar, the truth ain’t in him.” Expression with a self-contained explanation, and quite applicable to our current president.

I suppose we all have our quirks, but I always chose to find my Mother’s family expressions to be endearing. Especially those I unconsciously adopted.